I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
