So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
