why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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