I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
