Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Are my feet made of real feet?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
All the doctor said was why
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
