what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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