that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
