Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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