Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
