Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
