My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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