y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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