I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
It was confusing and full of hummus
you win again, gameday.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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