I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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