I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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