note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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