Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
