I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
