glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I will pee on everything he values.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
