I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
