I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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