Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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