So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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