my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
