Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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