i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
