so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
