So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize