Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Is it because I queefed?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
