the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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