i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
