So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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