You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
