also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
