just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
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There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
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You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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