apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
