Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
