I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
