I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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