i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
