I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
