Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
