I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
