Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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