i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the condom got lost in my hair
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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