It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
