I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
one might say we're banned from that church
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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