just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
