theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
