omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
