No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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