If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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