Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
