...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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