The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
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THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Never underestimate the power of titties
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