glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
