Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Randomize
