If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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