can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
