I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
When did we convert life to cartoon?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
