drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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